Naked Hot Tub Neighbors

As much as having a hot tub rocks, remember your poor neighbors.

 

Here's a letter from one of them.

1. You guys are freaking hilarious.  At the very least please record the audio from your night.  Last weekend's favorite quote: "I want your boobies to kiss my boobies."
2. Please hand out a lyrics sheet to all members of the hot tub.  I would love to help pick the songs, if I'm going to have to listen to them.
3. Let's make it an official rule. Every time a guy stands up, you ladies must yell at the top of your lungs "Cocktail!" and then drink.  Also for every time someone says boobies, the group drinks.
4. Plastic Only! - Lesson Learned
5. Just say "Turn off your porch light." rather than unscrewing it.  I will hop right up and do it.  I didn't realize when you were having someone unscrew a light it was mine.
6. In the event you are playing "guess who's foot.", please be clear with your rules.  There seemed to be some confusion in the past.
7. I didn't quite catch all the shapes that had been shaved in the ladies' Whoonie Nananas.  Please redo that conversation and this time a little louder.
8. Bring back Willie.  Everyone loves Willie.  Or even better, just get Jack Black.  My favorite part was hearing him talk about how much he loves being a soccer coach to these little kids while he is sitting buck ass naked in a hot tub.  Somehow naked hot tubs and talks of children don't seem to mix.
9. Start and finish times; 3:30am to 5:30 throws my schedule completely off.  Can we shoot for 1-3am?
10. Thanks for describing the cup sizes.  Let's make that a habit.  Really, feel free to be as descriptive as possible.  When I compared notes with the other neighbors, we weren't exactly sure who had what.  Maybe repeat your name after the description.
11. After this weekend we will have two more neighbors.  They will be living upstairs and I am guessing will have a pretty unobstructed view.  I do not know if they will find you as funny as I do.  Maybe an invite for them?
12. Bathroom use.  Kudos to all of you who got OUT of the hot tub!  The couple of you who didn't... Shame!
13. The ass smacking, although it sounded solid, I think needs some more work.  Don't be shy.  Really get after it!  After all, you're drunk, and you'll need something to remember it by.
14. If you find yourself in a lull, feel free to just yell "Boobies!" or "Cocktail!" for no apparent reason.
15. Last rule.  Please only have very attractive naked hot tub party attendees.  Unless you follow strict rules of bringing them home after I have gone to bed.  This will allow me to imagine it is Halle Berry, Jessica Alba, and Pam Anderson in your hot tub.

Last weekend, rather than get mad and try to sleep, I thought "Screw it. I'll just listen to the show. Twenty feet away just isn't far enough to stop sound."  Thanks for the entertainment.

-- Your neighbor.

The Bachelor's Guide to Boy Toys (Part 6)

Cool Dog
Girl Gain: +5%

Cost: Purch: $0-500
A cool dog is defined as: Adorable, does NOT shit/piss on the floor. Does NOT make your house smell, or otherwise grossify it with excess hair/mud/chewed things and furniture.  If your dog has any or all of these traits, you are getting a net woman LOSS at all times.

Cost: Monthly: $50-100     Alpo and Vet visits aren't free.

Age ranges:
Five to Eighteen:     Everyone has pets at this age. Net neutral for women.

Eighteen to Thirty:     You show you are a protector of loved ones (your dog, but she'll correlate it to her and you guys' kids).  You know how to put your foot down enough to train a dog correctly because he can fetch, and doesn't shit on your floor.  If he does, you are a pussy and kind of gross with low value because you allow it.  If you have a good dog, then you can take him and her with you in your Jeep to reinforce your cool/outdoors/adventurous cred.  The dog doesn't GET you girls, but he might in some instances help you open girls or have girls open you if you travel with him a lot.  Dog parks are great for this. Add an additional +5% if he can catch frisbees.

Thirty to Sixty:  This dog gives you instant comfort with women your age, but no help with younger women.  Helps offset weirdness if you come off as creepy/weird or are very physically unattractive.  Also gives you a reason to go to dog parks/public places and not be the weird older guy walking around by himself.  Additionally, you will get opened by similar aged women at the pet store/etc.  Remember to use your dog as a conversation piece to build rapport.

Bachelor's Guide to Boy Toys (Part 5)

New/Kickass Sports Car
Girl Gain: +10%

Cost: Purch: $15-50k
You could get a two year old clean little Eclipse GT or something like that on the low end. You could get that new Mercedes/BMW/Porsche on the upper end.

Cost: Monthly: $500  Payments and insurance.  If it's nice, you want to keep it nice. When you sell it, you'll get some of your money back, so it's not that huge an anchor, but it still costs a lot.

Age Ranges:
Five to Fifteen:  Grow up kid, toys are for big boys. Go to college.

Fifteen to Eighteen:  Dad bought you one for your birthday.  Girls will tell everyone you're stuck up and spoiled in class, then give you head in the parking lot after school.  Other guys will be jealous and think you're a dick.  You will have sex with most of the hottest girls in your school and the surrounding schools as well. If you are a fat dude, or a bookworm nerd, this car might help you keep your band geek girlfriend for a year instead of a couple weeks before she leaves you for an Alpha.

Eighteen to Thirty:  After High School, nice cars don't get you girls.  You might get more smiles at intersections, but really not many more girls.  The girls you have in your life have been in cool cars forever, with all kinds of guys.  You are not impressing them.  A nice car is simply sprinkles on the icing on the cake that is you.  Your money is better spent on nice clothes and going out.  The money you spend on this car will eat you alive financially so you'll be a prisoner in your own shitty apartment, praying no one in the complex fucks with your shit.  The payments leave you constantly broke, so you will go through gf's leaving you because "We never do anything. I'm tired of sitting around the house."  You will be happier with a reasonable car with under $200 payments.

Thirty to Fifty:  You aren't impressing anyone.  If you want a nice car, get a decent Mercedes or truck and keep it clean.  If you like sports cars, then it should be an incidental cool extra like you're favorite jacket.  If she compliments it, then don't start talking about the Porsche club you're in, just say "Thanks, it's a lot of fun."

Bachelor's Guide to Boy Toys (Part 4)

Old/Wannabe Sports Car
Girl Gain: -15% (that's NEGATIVE)

Cost: Purch: $3-10k

Damn. you ALWAYS WANTED a Corvette/Porsche/300z, etc. Yeah, it's an '84, but Damnit, it's a CLASSIC.  I mean, it's got a lot of miles, but I could fix it up. I'm good at this stuff. Girls will LOVE this.

Cost: Monthly: $200-500
No matter how much you spend, it's never enough. This is how much you could spend every month for three years straight, and it will still NEVER BE ENOUGH.  You will always be broke and it will hang around your neck like a fucking anchor until you finally just kiss the cash you paid  plus everything you've sunk into away.

Age Ranges:
Five to Fifteen:  You try to fix up dad's old whatever, or the car you "bought" for $200 that just needs an engine/tranny/tires/interior/etc.

Fifteen to Eighteen:  You buy one and drive it for three weeks to two months until whatever breaks on it that costs $2000 to fix plus labor.  You have no car for a while until you get something that actually runs.

Eighteen to Thirty:  You forget about the first mistake and buy another one.  It breaks also, and now you are wiser.

Thirty to Forty-Five:  You try to help your friends/kids fix their turd up.  If you do manage to get it running, they immediately sell it, pissing you off because you did so much to help them get it running.

Forty-Five to Eighty:  You only buy cars that are new or classics that have been completely restored with receipt history. You are wise.

Note: At no time did this get you any additional sex or girls. No matter what they tell you about liking it, or even if they buy you little parts for it, they hate it and resent you for spending money on it. This DID however, keep you broke and shortened your relationships because you could have been spending the money on fun/vacations with women.

Bachelor's Guide to Boy Toys (Part 3)

Jeep Wrangler
Girl Gain: +15%

Cost: Purch: $5-25k.

You can get an old one, but don't.  Get a new or newer one with a minimum of A) Hard full doors B) Full size tires or bigger.  Don't get the dorky pussy Jeep thinking you'll upgrade it.  You won't. Get the one you want. It's ALWAYS cheaper that way.

Cost: Monthly: $350-500
Always shoot for one to five years or newer. They are really low maintenance and reliable as long as they aren't ragged out old ones.

Age Ranges:
Five to Fifteen: Grow up kid, toys are for big boys. Go to college.

Fifteen to Eighteen:  Even fat kids and bookworms get instant Alpha cred with a Jeep.  It also gives you a party guy/fun guy cred. If you drive a Wrangler, people assume you are having more fun than them. This will increase your coolness by 20-40% regardless.  You will bang a lot of girls and make a ton of friends.  The top tier girls may still be off limits that you could have gotten with the new sports car, but if you are already an Alpha guy, this is your best bang for the buck. (Pun intended)

Eighteen to Sixty:  You are automatically a cool, outdoorsy, fun, adventurous guy.  Take advantage of this truck to always pack it full of girls and friends.  Take girls on camping trips, go 4wheeling, hop curbs in the city.  A Jeep won't help you meet girls, but it'll help you keep them. It helps maintain "fun" over the length of the relationships.

Bachelor's Guide to Boy Toys

Here are some common boy toys and the real skinny on having them.     *Part One*

Motorcycle:
Girl Gain: +15%
Cost: Purch: $4-8k
Get a nice used bike, NOT a new one. You WILL crash it a few times. Save the extra money for gear/extras.
Cost: Monthly: $150-200  When you count the payments, plus insurance and maintenance (tires/maintenance/etc), You're going to even out to about $200 a month to own a rideable, decent bike.


Age Ranges:
Five to Fifteen:  You will get more kisses from girls.

Fifteen to Eighteen: You will get more action from girls. You will hang out with older guys that give you access to older girls.

Eighteen to Twenty-Seven: You will realize that most "biker" chick groupies are pretty gross and dirty. Normal non-biker girls will love riding with you, hitting on you, and making their friends jealous because you have a "hot" bike and are therefore a "hot" guy. This is the sweet spot.  This also gives you real street cred because you're the real deal and not a poser. Note:  Crotch rockets get you 40% hotter, and 75% more girls on average than cruisers. Avoid really old (read: Older than ten years) bikes if at all possible. It needs to be shiny and pretty or girls don't dig it.

Twenty-Seven to Thirty-Five:  The bike will allow you to still regularly entertain young (18-25) girls. Your ass is too old to be at the night club, so make sure you have adventures and danger to keep them excited. They don't give a fuck about your 401k or new furniture.

Thirty-six +:  Keep riding! Your bike will keep you cool, while hanging out with active and financially stable people (or they couldn't afford the bikes). This also keeps your girl (25+) happy because she can be friends with the other gf/wives in a social setting. This additionally gives you reasons to spend a lot of time together and do small mini-vacations (bike trips to next state, bed and breakfasts,etc).

Hot Tub Update

The Eagle has landed.

She is now sitting safely in the garage. Gave her a deep scrub down cleaning and disinfectant bath.
We now need to have 220v power run to the patio, and have The Natural whip up a frame for it.





Ever wonder how a hot tub actually WORKS? So did we.
Found this amazing page over on Spadepot.com that has an interactive diagram of everything. Groovy baby!!. Oh yeah, and PH3AR the bubble sound effects on the blower.

Hot Tub Update

Keeping you updated on the hot tub experience.

The TBL crew rolled out early Saturday morning to retrieve the hot tub.

The Good:
The tub is AWESOME. Huge, blue, nice. It even comes with a cover! It's a lot bigger than we thought. It's 8'x8'. That's a huge tub. Might cost a little more to keep heated, but it's definitely a party tub.

The Bad:
The truck we were going to use wasn't available at the last minute. The tub is so large it's iffy as to whether we can move it even with the big F350 we had. We are looking now at renting a flat bed pickup. Home depot has them for $20 an hour, and you can schedule a flat bed from Uhaul. We will call the hot tub moving service as well to see how much they charge. If it's under $300 it might make the most sense.

Hot tub!!

As part of our selfless duties here at The Bachelor Life, we are compelled to occasionally field test certain questions of vital importance to the bachelor world.

The question du jour: "How awesome are hot tubs REALLY?"

We all have been to cool parties/hotels with hot tubs. We all know someone with one, but what's it like to own one YOURSELF? How does this change the game? How much does it cost to maintain REALLY? Is it an unending girl parade or a money pit pain in the ass?

These answers and more we'll track as part of *** Project Hot tub ***


It is a blue eight person tub sourced locally from craigslist. The TBL crew will be picking it up tomorrow. We are purchasing the shell/pumps/etc but will be building a custom cabinet for it to live in.

Oh, and if anyone wants to donate some of these, you get an automatic invite to the official TBL hot tub launch party in December!